One Way Flight to Nowhere
by mickey
Summary: She should have gotten somewhere by now. Instead, Helga’s stuck in limbo waiting for Arnold. And waiting might be her very death sentence. Unless...


Title: One Way Flight to Nowhere  
  
Summary: All Helga has ever wanted was to have someone treat her as an individual and not part of her sister' shadow. And the only person that could do that has always been Arnold. And she'll do anything for him. She'll wait for him. She'll wait for years. She'll wait for him to return to her. She'll wait for him to say those words she's dreamed about. She'll wait for so long, that life will start to slip by. Unless she can finally do something about it.  
  
A/N: I've read a lot of stories emphasizing Helga's family and their lack of caring (or whatever) for her. Yes, poor Helga, let's all have pity on her...unappreciated, neglected, etc Okay, admit it the girl ain't got it that bad and to prove my point I made this up to show everyone who's ever written a story with any emphasis on Helga's horrible, dysfunctional, or whatever you want to call it family that so many people tend to over exaggerate Helga's family or lack thereof.  
  
This isn't about physical or sexual abuse (her family is above that) nor is it about financial issues, or deaths, but you might hate me for it anyway because this is the one thing I thought would make her family much worse...I dunno what anyone's reactions will be, but I'm interested, so let me in on them, m'kay?  
  
This is based on the children's novel, "Jacob Have I Loved..."   
  
Runaway train never going back  
  
Wrong way on a one way track  
  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there  
  
SOUL ASYLUM  
  
Runaway Train  
  
How did it come to this, Helga, old girl? Just how?  
  
You let him do this to you. Let him lead you on. He was recruited for Dubya's army. You watched him leave and you made a solemn promise to wait for him.  
  
Wait.  
  
That's what you did. And look at where it's got you now. Years slipped by. You turned down Brown. And Cornell. And for what? Do go to some community college that is worth shit? And then to have him return- to have him waltz right through that door?  
  
And for a while you thought it was worth it. Thought staying home, spending more years with Bob, Miriam, and Olga, when the one thing you wanted to do more than anything in the world was get away. Cause now he could be in your life. He was always the one that made you feel special, made you feel like you could be somebody. Funny, how he happened to be the one who he really drags you down, is holding you back. You never realized that did you? Oh the, irony. The goddamn irony.  
  
You were in love with him, that's what you claim. You never deserved him though. You know it. You've always known it- that's why you treat him like an entity. And he did as most Gods do, turn his back on you.  
  
What did it feel like walking through the door, to see him? What was going through your mind when you saw those intertwined limbs- that heated embrace- that steamy kiss? Why did you just stare? No action, no yelling, just watching the scene. And your eyes weren't like saucers, and your mouth remained firmly shut. You saw them, you saw your wasted life, you saw your dashed dreams, you saw that you were still stuck here in nowhere, and you saw that nothing had changed. Not a goddamn thing.  
  
Except now Arnold was making out with your sister. And now he's engaged to your sister. And now you know that you can never have him.  
  
It just took you too long to find out.  
  
"SHUT-UP!" shrieked Helga. It was meant for the little accusing voice inside her head, but Arnold winced at the loudness of her voice.  
  
"Look, Helga-"  
  
"Don't 'look' Helga me! I don't need to see anything! It's you, look at me! Don't you know what I gave up for you? All I did for you cause I loved you, cause I cared about you?"  
  
"You never really told me-"  
  
"Well, I'm telling you right now so listen up- about the hours I slaved away writing poetry about you, locked in a closet, begging, praying, willing to do almost anything for you to return those feelings. And now, you drop me like a sack of potatoes to go run off with Olga. Why, Arnold, why?"  
  
He looked up at me. Eyes should never be that shade of green. "She needs me. She really does."  
  
I couldn't believe it. "Olga needs you? Olga, the same person since Day 1 has gotten everything handed to her? The same person everyone loves, the one in a few months everyone will be talking about because she'll be some sort of celebrity with that angelic voice and dramatic acting skills. She needs you?"  
  
"It's something I thought you'd understand, Olga and I, we both need each other, we're alone in the world, there's really no other way to explain it." His voice suddenly turned bitter. "Can't you stop being so selfish and see that?"  
  
"Me? Selfish?" The tears were forming in my eyes now. "All Olga has ever done is take from me! My parents' love, friends, even my dreams! And now you too, you're the worst of all." I pointed an accusing finger at him, my hand trembling.  
  
"Because you were the one that made this town worthwhile, you were the one that made every moment of my tortured childhood worth living, you made everything seem wonderful because you treated me as someone else, as someone not part of their sister's dark shadow! Of course now, Olga's going to take away you too." I turned away from his face to study the wooden planks of the docks. "I should've seen this coming a long time ago."  
  
"Helga, I don't mean to hurt you-"he mumbled half-apologetically.  
  
"Well, guess what, Arnold? You couldn't have failed anymore. You marrying someone else would've been hard on me, but my sister, Arnold, why'd you have to pick her? That kicked the bucket, it really did."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"No, you're not, if you really were, you'd call off the wedding."  
  
"You'd want me to do that, just so you'd get that happily ever after? If you really loved me, you would want me to be happy even if that means marrying your sister."  
  
"Oh, sorry I forgot, that there's everlasting happiness that can be found with my sister. She's beautiful, talented, delicate...everything that I'm not."  
  
"No, you're that too beautiful, talented..." I noticed he skipped over the delicate part.  
  
"Then why aren't you on your knees right now if you really feel that way, telling me that you could never live without me? Why are you still standing? Is spending time with me that torturous to you? Even the thought of ever being with me, a horrifying idea that haunts over you in the middle of the night? Am I that horrible a person?"  
  
He was at a loss for words. He just stood there swaying in the breeze, his silence almost confirming the thoughts I felt inside of me. He really did think I was that horrible of a person. He never wanted to be with me. Never.  
  
I ripped my eyes away from the form to study the ships coming in to the harbor, blowing the foghorns steadily. I shivered a little, I hadn't realized before how cold it was. The water must be freezing...  
  
I felt a warm hand being placed on my shoulder. He didn't say anything except stand there silently, hand on my shoulder, with something to say that he couldn't compel himself to speak out-loud. For some reason I was thankful for his silence, his words were too painful now, not matter how much he tired them to be soothing and comforting.  
  
The war had hardened him far too much.  
  
I finally spoke, softly, looking out into the bay while the boats ran through with thick mists hovering still. "Arnold, I wish you could understand what it's been like for me, having to live up to a sister like Olga. I never thought someone could be perfect, but you know, that's what she is, perfection, I guess that's what you deserve, someone like that, practically perfect in every way. I'm as far from perfect as you can get."  
  
"Do you know how much you over-exaggerate? Olga's not perfect and-"  
  
"Do you know how good you are at lying?" I snapped, pushing his arm off me. Why couldn't he see the pain she had put me through? How could he just shrug away all those years of jealousy, of everything with a flick of a wrist? He wouldn't know....  
  
I stepped closer to the end of the docks. "I love you," I whispered for the first time. "You'll never know how much I love you, how I sacrificed my well being for you, how I-"  
  
"Shut up, Helga, do you think you're making this any easier for me?" he snapped, covering my mouth with his hand. I didn't melt at his touch; somehow I no longer cared.  
  
I pulled away, tossing away the temptation of biting that hand. "Hey, hey, hey! Do you think I want it to be easy for you?" I looked back over my shoulder at him. "Olga never spent her childhood pining for you, not like I did. Why is it that the whole world seems to love Olga and hate me? What did I ever do to it? What have I ever done to deserve this hatred? From even you!" I turned back to the docks.  
  
"I don't hate you." I had expected that response. He'd never admit he hated me, so I simply shrugged.  
  
"But you don't love me and that's close enough," I rejoined coyly.  
  
"Helga, whether you ever realize it or not, I am sorry for the pain I've caused you and I never meant for things to be like this, honestly, I didn't. Maybe, one day you'll understand." I could feel his eyes studying my back, his voice smooth, never missing a beat.  
  
I took another step closer to the edge of the docks. "Yeah, maybe one day I'll understand," I said softly. "Maybe one day you'll understand too."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
I looked over my shoulder at him. "-Understand what it's like to give up everything for someone, your chance for scholarships, for a grand future, your dreams of becoming famous, and have that someone as soon as they return to you, turn their back on you. Because no matter what their motive may be you still feel like you've messed up your entire life."  
  
His face darkened and he crossed his arms. "You're talking, like you're half-dead and you spent 50 years waiting for me instead of just 5. You're not too old to go to college, to pursue your dreams, to become someone, I didn't take that away from you."  
  
"No," I admitted, feeling defeated. He was right. Wasn't he always? "You didn't. You took my childhood and adolescence away from me." I paused, before sighing almost in defeat. "I guess it's not your fault. It's my own fault for never telling you straight forward about my harbored feelings." Another tear trickled down my cheek.  
  
"I wish it could've been different, Arnold, between us." My voice came slowly as I looked away from his face, not wanting to see the expression that was there. "I wish you loved me...that's all I ever wanted from you, from anybody and I never found it. No one cares, not you, not my family, not the world, and even G-d himself hates me."  
  
"Helga..." He was confused, he didn't know what I was rambling on about. He didn't know about the Bible and how I'd discovered the truth: that G-d had chosen to hate me. Jacob have I loved...And if I believed in G-d, I would have cursed him.  
  
"I wish I could disappear," I thought out-loud. "That I'd just vanish in the air." I swayed a little, drifting closer to the water with the moon reflecting in the rippling currents. "I wouldn't be here or there...or anywhere because I've lost you...and you were everything..."  
  
I heard him shouting and running towards me. "Helga! Helga! What're you doing? Don't! Helga, please, don't!" But I wasn't listening. I wanted him to suffer, to feel the pain, the kind even though his parents and grandparents were dead, despite the bullet wounds, the kind of pain he'd never felt. He was feeling it then. It was cruel and selfish of me to want him to suffer, but I couldn't help it after all the sacrifices I made for him after everything, in hopes that my fantasies would become a reality, something that up until today was such a wonderful possibility.  
  
That's why I let myself fall into the iciness to feel the coldness around me. It wasn't as cold as I thought it'd be nor as dark. But I guess when you're used to living in a shadow you're always surrounded by so much coldness and darkness its easier to get used to.  
  
"Please, Helga, I'm sorry!"  
  
No, Arnold, too bad you're not.  
  
It was classified later as a failed suicide. But I wasn't trying to kill myself. I didn't fail. Not at that at least. I had enjoyed the pained expression on Arnold's face as I had slipped off the dock. I had always been the selfish type.  
  
But the wedding plans remained unchanged. I guess I failed at that. I had known, deep down inside that there was nothing I could do.  
  
I returned home from the hospital a few days later. And avoided my sister and Arnold and basically everyone else like the plaque. There was much bustling going on, and planning. I hardly spoke to my parents. Not until one afternoon about a week before the wedding that Miriam came to talk to me.  
  
"Helga, honey?" Her voice sounded slightly hungover as usual.  
  
"What?" I snapped, still buried in the Da Vinci Code.  
  
"How are you?"  
  
She seemed out of place, standing in the doorway, trying to act motherly.  
  
"I'm fine, Miriam."  
  
"You read so much," she stated, glancing at the book.  
  
"I like reading about places far away from here," I snapped.  
  
"Have you ever wanted to leave here?" She sat down on the foot of my bed, watching me.  
  
"All the time."  
  
"Then why don't you?"  
  
"Why don't I what?" I asked defensively, looking up at her now.  
  
"Leave?"  
  
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"  
  
And I watched her, awaiting the telltale signs that she was lying. But they didn't come. She smiled at me. "No, we let Olga go. She was never meant to stay here, she wanted to see the world."  
  
"Maybe...I want to see it too." I said suddenly. I closed the book.  
  
"Well, what do you want to do?"  
  
I had never really thought about it much. Just spending years wasting away in a trashy community college without any ambition in the world. Just waiting.  
  
"I guess I always wanted to go to Paris and write a novel..." the goal forming as I spoke. My mother smiled at me.  
  
"Then, go. Use the money you earned from working at the store." She didn't offer any more money, knowing that I wouldn't have taken it.  
  
"Really?" The idea was becoming clearer and more pleasing. "Will you miss me as much as you missed Olga?" A childish question, but one I needed an answer to.  
  
"I'm going to miss you more," she stated as she embraced me. I didn't struggle to free myself from her grasp, and I didn't bother to ask her to explain herself. She had given me the answer I needed to leave this city. There was just one thing. I winced as I thought of the unopened invitation lying on my desk.  
  
The wedding.  
  
The sight of the church along the hillside in the outer limits of the city immediately made me want to make a U turn and head back. I restrained myself though. I had to make an entrance. I knew neither of them were expecting me to show, they probably thought I burned the damn invitation.  
  
I took a sharp left and some angry bastard blasted his horn at me. I didn't care. I continued up a long winding road cutting through the hillsides until I caught a glimpse of it all. I gaped. Big Bob had really out done himself this time.  
  
It was gorgeous, it really was. The limos, the flowers, the decorations...my eyes widened, taking in my surroundings. I wanted to remember this for the rest of my life.  
  
I parked the car and stepped out, careful not to ruin my black dress. A wrong color for the occasion, maybe, but at least I looked good in it. I looked around. The place was packed. I was late, but that was how I wanted it. Fashionable entrances weren't just for princesses anyway. I walked slowly, now afraid, my hands shaking. I stopped at the church's doorway.  
  
The arch reached up high and I could see the bell tower with the bells swaying in the mild breeze. They were probably ringing, but the organ music from inside drowned them out. I could hear the singing and the tempo pick up a tad. I could hear the squawking of swans from the back of a church. Swans at a wedding? I had to roll my eyes. How tacky did Olga have to get?  
  
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before strolling in, my back arched, my head high and proud. I stepped under the arch and saw the insides of the church: the statue of Jesus and one of Mary, looking down at me with unreadable eyes. The colorful glass panes filtered the late afternoon light and its rays shimmered down into the rows of pews lining the church.  
  
Phoebe was the first person to see me. She put her hand over her mouth to cover a gasp. Some best friend, at least she should've known that I'd show. An escort came over to guide me to a seat. The ceremony had already begun and all the pews were packed. There was no room in the back; in fact there was no room at all.  
  
"I'm the sister of the bride," I stated smugly. To tell you the truth, I would've settled for a seat in the far back, but the whole town had shown up...not very surprising. The escort looked a little bewildered. I noticed the bridesmaids had already walked down the aisle. I took a glance at them. Pale blue dresses, ugh, I was glad I had turned down the offer.  
  
"Helga?" I turned my head and saw in all her beauty, in a glimmering white gown, rosy cheeks, those red lips, and golden wavy hair that I immediately recognized as my sister.  
  
I smiled and raised an eyebrow. The escort had spotted a seat and dragged me towards it. That stereotypical music was now blasting in my ears. Everyone had turned around to see the bride, but what they instead saw was me and the flustered escort, trying to seat me.  
  
I heard some murmurs and gasps. Gerald was glaring, Harold looking confused...they were all there gaping at me. I hadn't exactly expected this kind of entrance, but I kept my composure. I looked up at the altar and saw him.  
  
Arnold looked like a dream in that tuxedo, he really did. Not as handsome though as he looked with a ripped shirt and baggy jeans, leaning against a tree with a half-smile on his smooth face, but still not bad at all. I saw him pale and tug at his shirt collar, his eyes never leaving me.  
  
Finally the music went even louder if that was possible and all eyes turned back to the doorway as Bob and Olga made their way down the aisle. I found a seat and watched.  
  
There were whispers about how beautiful Olga looked in the wedding dress, which was true. Her blond hair that she had let grow out cascading to her shoulders, just touching the white gown. She looked like she had just stepped out of the cover of a wedding magazine.  
  
I saw her glance at me, out of the corner of her eye. She looked just as uncomfortable as Arnold did. I didn't smirk at them, though a part of me wanted to. Inside, I wasn't enjoying this at all. I kept my face blank as I gazed at them.  
  
The ceremony continued and the priest began to talk, but I wasn't listening. My mind drifted and I wondered what had gone wrong. Why was I in the pew instead of at the altar? Why wasn't my love giving me quick glances? What made everything turn out like this?  
  
I noticed they had now reached that part where the priest says: "If there is anyone who has reason to believe that this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." And then the whole wedding is stopped because someone speaks out against them.  
  
An awkward silence fell upon the church. Arnold tilted his head so he could see me, but I kept my lips shut. Was the bastard expecting me to open my big mouth? Probably. Well, sorry, Arnoldo, I ain't bailing you out of this one, I thought angrily.  
  
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You can kiss the bride." Arnold did, his arms wrapping around Olga's waist and for a moment time stood still. I forgot the priest and his cheesy words about loyalty and whatnot. The people around me suddenly weren't clapping or snapping pictures with their digital cameras. Suddenly all I saw was Arnold, finally happy. He deserved to be.  
  
I stood up, smoothing my dress and made my way down an aisle between the pew and the wall, so few would notice. I heard someone call out my name, but I didn't stop. I refused to turn around and look at the couple. This was it, this was goodbye. I felt my legs move swifter. The church was stuffy and suddenly it seemed bigger too. I had to get out of there.  
  
As soon as I was out the door I brook into a run, which was difficult with heels. I got into my car and collapsed, my breathing hard and heavy. I pulled out of the parking space and began to drive away through the hillsides and back to the city.  
  
I couldn't make it all the way. I gave in to the tears, and I had to pull over. I knew I wouldn't be in any condition to drive anytime soon so I drove to the top of this hill where there was a large sycamore tree.  
  
I got out of the car and slumped down against the tree. You could see the entire city from the spot. I saw Hawk mountain in the distance...the city lake and I could even make out Mighty Pete. It made me wonder....  
  
Why hadn't Slausen's closed down yet? Why was the Jolly Olly Man still roaming the streets? Why was it still the same? Why hadn't anything changed yet? Including me? Why was I still in this damn city?  
  
I leaned back against the tree and cried. I could see the sun begin to disappear over the western horizon, cascading a mix of colors that almost any other day I'd appreciate and watch with awe, but not today.  
  
Definitely not today.  
  
Today the sunset seemed ugly and unorchestrated, the clouds were wrong and out of place, the world looked trashy and chaotic with the blaring horns from the high way. There was a traffic jam.  
  
I'm not sure how long I was there when I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. I looked up and there he was. He knelt down besides me, his green eyes the same jellybeans I dreamed about.  
  
I wiped away the traces of my tears, but I knew it was useless. He knew I'd been crying. I gazed at him, sitting beside me, probably staining that rental tux, watching over the city, and I felt like I was nine years old all over again.  
  
"I didn't see you at the reception," Arnold spoke finally, turning to look at me. "I wanted to see if you were okay and I wanted to talk to you." His voice was firm. I glanced around, not a drop of ice water in sight.  
  
"Talk away," I mumbled, folding my arms over my chest.  
  
"Why did you come to the wedding?"  
  
"Because you sent me an invitation," I answered. "Or was I not suppose to get one?"  
  
Arnold looked half-annoyed and half-flustered. "No one thought you'd show...given the circumstances." He struggled to find the right wording.  
  
"Well that shows how much you know me," I snapped. "I came for the free food."  
  
"Then why didn't you come to the reception?"  
  
Ouch, he had me. I began to stand up, but Arnold reached up and grabbed my right arm, forcing me to stay with him. "Please won't you tell me the truth?"  
  
I glared at him. "The truth? You want to know the truth? Hell, I don't even know! Maybe I was looking for closure, maybe I just wanted to say goodbye, maybe I was driving around the neighborhood and happened to be wearing a dress! Maybe I wanted to tell you everything that I forgot to mention earlier-"  
  
"Please, don't," he begged. "I don't want a repeat of the docks."  
  
"There's no ice water for me to dive into this time."  
  
He smiled, that half-smile I had always adored. "I'm glad you came, Helga," he whispered softly.  
  
"Yeah..." I turned away, to watch the fading sun. It would be dark soon. "Where's your wife?"  
  
"At the reception."  
  
"Shouldn't you guys be leaving for your honeymoon now?" I cringed at the mental image of intertwined limbs crossed my mind. He just shrugged.  
  
"Helga..." I turned to face him and I felt his hands wrap me into an embrace.  
  
He leaned towards me and I let my hands run through his hair, something I had always wanted to do. And he kissed me in a way we both knew was wrong. My face flushed as he pushed me back against the tree. Goosebumps ran up and down my spine and I could feel my passion for him returning...it had never gone away. It had stayed the same, like everything else.  
  
Like the park had, like Elk Island, like the misty docks...unchanging for the twenty-two years of my life. I felt Arnold's tongue enter my mouth and his hands ran through my hair.  
  
Arnold broke the kiss, finally. We were both out of breath. He grinned at me, leaning his forehead against mine. I gazed back at him, bewildered, but a slow smile crept to my face.  
  
"Wanna come back to the reception with me?" he asked, kissing my forehead. I had to admit the offer was tempting, but as I tilted my head to see the outlines of the city landscape that his shoulder did not hide from view, I could not help but think....think about the mountains in the distance that I had never seen. And maybe what was behind those mountains...  
  
"No, I've got to go." He jerked his head away, surprised.  
  
"You do? Where to?" I stood up and looked out at the city. Night had fallen and the lights of Hillwood glimmered in the darkness like it had for as long as I lived here. It never had changed...I had never allowed it to.  
  
"To Paris," I said, walking to my car. He stood up, brushing the grass off his pants and followed me.  
  
"Paris? Why do you have to go to Paris?" I opened my cell phone and began fumbling with numbers. I needed to book a flight. I was going to leave tonight. I knew it was crazy, but it was right.  
  
"I missed an earlier flight five years ago and I need to go write a novel." The line was busy. Oh well, I'd just call them when I get home. I had to pack anyway.  
  
He stared at me, confused. I leaned forward and kissed him softly. He was the same, he hadn't changed, but I had...finally. That kiss had finally knocked some sense into me. I pulled away. "I love you, Arnold. And I wish you and your wife a happy life."  
  
I turned and got into the car, switching on the headlights. I leaned out the window. "Give her my regards, will ya? And tell Mom and Dad I love them too, m'kay, bro?" He didn't move a muscle until I was halfway down the hill.  
  
"When will you come back?"  
  
I stuck my head out the window and studied his outline in the shadow of the sycamore tree from the full moon's rays of light. I grinned at him. "I don't know." But I did know. When things were different, which they were already starting to be.  
  
I pulled out into the highway to start home. I took one farewell glance to see Arnold, leaning against his car on top of the hill. Then he got in into the car to make his way back to the reception.  
  
I turned around to study the road ahead, under the passing streetlights that hung above me, cascading shadows that I no longer seemed a part of, but they guided me home and to the long night I had ahead of me.  
  
And I sing a moonlit song on moonlight bay  
  
I could hear Olga's voice in the back of my mind, and for some odd reason it was reassuring.  
  
Maybe because it was supposed to be.  
  
- La Fin   
  
I know Arnold's a bit of a jerk and stuff but it had to be to make some sort of twisted point.  
  
This could either be interpreted as Olga being Helga's twin, or being older like in the series. I just thought that this would be the worst family situation for Helga.  
  
I originally wanted to make this story longer, so if it's a little choppy it's because I cut parts out and shortened it into this one-shot thing. Sorry.  
  
Reviewing would be nice of you, since you did take the time to read it. Criticism. Flaming. Whatever. I don't care.  
  
Enjoy your day!  
  
And remember only this: Anyone Else '04 


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